Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This Blog Contains Trace Amounts of Albino

I have a new nemesis. I mean...it's nothing cool like an albino with one eye whose brother I killed while rescuing a fabulous diamond from the clutches of a sinister madman in Rio De Janeiro during Carnivale and all those creepy big-headed parade things were wandering around in the back alleys like in some weird, LSD-fueled nightmare. My point is I never killed anyone with my devastating samba.It nothing like that. It's a dog.

A one-eyed albino bent on revenge would be cool, though. I think we can all agree on that.

This dog is a mystery dog. A phantom who flits into my yard when I'm not looking and poops in my driveway. I'm not saying pooping without regard for one's neighbors is a characteristic of phantoms. I'm not saying that at all. Given my circumstances, the last thing I need is to piss off some ghost so that he stomps around my apartment at all hours, rattling chains or whatever it is that they do. No. Here when I say "phantom" I mean "little bastard that I can't seem to catch in the act". But he doesn't know the extensive forensics I have at my disposal. I will find him. Oh yes...I will.

First off, he leaves footprints and I know from my time in Genius Detective School* that this can only mean that the beast traipses over to my place on LEGS! HA-HA!! (I totally should have said "Eureka!" but I thought it would be too cliche, but now I feel guilty...like "Eureka!" is going to go off and pout somewhere because it isn't being used when it could be. It's like being the last one picked in gym, only instead of picking YOU, the captain of the blue team picks a piece of string that he just found. Sorry, Eureka.) Have legs do you, fiend? That's pretty much a dead giveaway. Also, the dog in question has an anus so I don't know if that narrows down the suspects or not, but this is a good way to use my time for sure.

So I'm looking for a dog with legs and an anus. Watch out, Dog. Your number is almost up.

The other thing I know about this dog is that he is cunning and devious because he only takes care of his business when I'm not home so that I can't catch him and he does it right by where I park my car so that even though it's winter, every time I get out of the vehicle I step in squishy dog shit, which is totally unfair because it should be frozen but like I said he's devious. I thought about moving my car to the library and then walking back and burying myself under the snow like Rambo did with mud, and then when the dog comes over, I could pop out at him and be like"Hey dog! Knock it off! Yo!**" and then he would be mortified and run away and that would be the end of the Great Poop Trap Caper and I would be a hero.

But that would be cold, and would require work, so instead the best plan I can think of is to take a nap. Case Closed.

*The Genius Detective School is a totally elite forensic academy that I attend almost everyday when I'm not out actively fighting crime or eating dry cereal and wishing I had some milk but that is all the way at the store and I can't go back there in just my bathrobe again after the last time when the manager said I couldn't just "stand there crying in the produce section" That guy is also my nemesis.

**I added the "yo!" for authenticity because I watched part of the Rocky marathon on AMC last weekend and now I think I am immersed in Italian culture.


Anna Russell said...

Know what's cooler than a one-eyed albino? A three-eyed albino.

I think given the dog's willingness to walk around relieving itself in the middle of winter also gives you another clue to it's identity - hair.

The case is nearly solved.

Anna xxx

Brandy Rose said...

I was so gonna mention the hair as well. And you could probably judge the size of the dog by the size of the pile.

And what about albino twins, like from the Matrix?

Char said...

and he obviously has very poor manners, so the dog is not from Alabama. errr, yeah.

hair, legs, anus....and, a good memory to keep returning to the scene of the crime.

Kurt said...

@ Anna: The presence of hair actually eliminates a suspect on my street. I don't know why they had to shave it, but it looks horrible now. (That's what SHE said!)

@Brandy: I would have to go back and reassemble it because a good portion ended up in my boot treads. I'm not Batman for God's sake.

@Char: Well the poor manners establishes he is a New Yorker for sure. :)

Star Kicker said...

I think it could also be a homeless person with a really thick coat.

Sometimes we miss the obvious...

Kurt said...

This was so obvious I can't believe I overlooked it.