Monday, January 26, 2009

Social Cupcakes and Being an Impending Shut-In

I've reached an important moment in my life, and no... it's not escaping from dinosaur space-jail because that was just a dream and I'm trying to be serious and talk about my life for reals, so there will be little-to-no Hattori Hanzo commentary or aquatic, venomous, sea dragons or Hobo ninja laser-samurai equipped with bee cannons or bears, because all those things are exciting but none of them are real except for bears and I honestly can't think of a way to work bears into this discussion, despite an intense desire to.  

The realization I have come to is that the entirety of my current social calendar can be changed by the simple application of baked goods. In fact, I will change my plans 180 degrees if there is a cupcake involved. I'm not proud of this realization like I am of some of my super-powers, but there it is. 

Don't judge me. 

How I came to this realization is simple. I went over to a friends house last night for coffee and maybe beer, and we sat around talking for a couple hours about porn and midgets* the perilousness of the human soul and how Nietzsche** was right when he said that when we look into the void the void also looks into us*** and other really deep shit that you find impressive, and then I got a text message from The Boy who told me to call him and when I did he said he made cupcakes and do I want one, so I said "yes" and bailed on my friend and went and had a cupcake because it had sprinkles and shut up because you would have done the same.

Now the cool thing is, I can totally lie and be like "I HAVE to go get a cupcake. Sigh. The Boy made them and you know that means I HAVE to. Sigh." but the truth is I just wanted a cupcake and it could have been milked from the teat of the Devil's Hate-cow and I still would have wanted it more than coffee. 

So I decided to leave based solely on where exactly confections were located and I think this is a sign that my life is slipping out of my grasp and soon I'll be wearing sweatpants to Walmart and growing beards and showering irregularly,  and writing wild-eyed manifestos about breakfast cereals and napping a lot and hiding the dishes when company comes over which they do less and less frequently because the house is starting to smell like a garbage strike, until eventually I won't let anyone in unless they're bringing cupcakes.

At least that's my plan.

* We actually did talk about porn and midgets but I messed with the timeline of events using a technique the Ancient Phoenicians called "lying". Now I'm no genius  Now I'm no lawyer but I think we can all agree that I should be and arguing with me about the validity of any statement made using creative license is pointless, unless you like arguing with someone with their fingers buried in their ears and going " LA-LA-LA!! I can't hear you! LA-LA-LA!" .

** The time it took to look up the proper spelling of "Nietzsche" was not worth the reference I made to it. I totally should have quoted Bill Murray from Caddyshack or Albert Einstein because I know how to spell those names, but the only Einstein quote I have memorized is about being a lazy scientist and not that applicable to cupcakes.

*** If you are all impressed that I know this bit of philosophy, than it worked because I totally read it in a comic book last week.  True story.


Char said...

I think I have a quote somewhere about if we stare into the abyss sometimes the abyss stares back into us. But yeah...yesterday, I wore sweats to the grocery. AND I DIDN'T CARE. *sigh*

Brandy Rose said...

Cupcakes. Mmmm. Sigh.

Kurt said...

@Char: It's more allowed for women because you have track suits that are meant to be cute, where men just try not to wear clothes as much as possible.

@Brandy: That was the whole essence of the blog! You said it with much more eloquence than me.

Anna Russell said...

Now I want a cupcake. And a hobo ninja laser samurai.

Oooh, a cupcake served to me by a hobo ninja laser samurai. That would rock!

What is a hobo ninja laser samurai? I really, really want one.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

If Bill Murray's Carl character from Caddyshack had sex with a Cylon and then the Cylon got pregnant and had a baby that grew up and time traveled to Feudal Japan and married a pretty geisha who gave birth to a beautiful baby, that child would grow up to be a hobo ninja laser-samurai.