Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Righteous Fury!

When they finally catch me after a car chase rivaling the one from The Blues Brothers only with more jumps, they will bring me in front of the judge and he will be all "Dude? Why? Why did you exact righteous fury on your first-born child?" ( I know most judges don't say "dude" but this one totally does because he's cool and from California and did his judge internship* interpreting surf law. I'm just guessing. My knowledge of the legal system is limited, although extensive.) And then I will say " Wet Towels, your highness." and then he will cock his head to one side like dogs do when they hear a funny sound and I will be forced to elaborate.

It's not as though I've never asked her to hang up her wet towels after her shower. In fact, I even made a point of not bitching because she has to use 2 towels with every shower. I just figure she's a girl and you people do that even though your bodies are smaller and for some reason probably involving stuff the commercials never talk about for feminine hygiene you NEED to have a second towel. Fine. Like I said, I'm not complaining. But hang them up for the love of God! I would rather some thug sneak into my bedroom in the middle of the night, sit on my chest, and put spiders under my eyelids** then find a pile of wet towels under her bed a week after they were used.

It's like she's trying to grow that mold that takes over your lungs and turns you into an exploding zombie or whatever that stuff was on Dateline that one time where they had to knock the whole house down wearing the suits from E.T. on account of mold. I don't need that. I don't need an exploding zombie for a daughter. She ought to just...you know... hang them up. That's all she needs to do TO SAVE HER LIFE.

So once the judge hears my explanation he'll be all "Well I don't think we even need a jury for this one. Not Guilty!" and then my lawyer will lean over and cover the microphone because I love that scene from The Godfather II, and he'll say "You don't understand due process at all, do you?" And then I will scissorkick him in the face.

Case closed.

* A judge internship is something they only do in So-Cal, so don't get all "There's no such thing as a judge internship and what is "surf law" for that matter?" because you will go directly to the top of the scissorkick list.

** Not true. Hattori Hanzo tells me that if anyone tries to put spiders under my eyelids that WOULD be the worst thing ever, and I ought to look at that as a much more egregious crime. Thanks, Hattori Hanzo!


Some Random Chick said...

It must be 13 year old...this story sounds all too familiar, except the pile of wet towels is in the middle of the bathroom floor in a sopping heap, used to mop up water because thirteen year old boys need soooo much room in the shower, they can't see fit to shut the shower door.

Kurt said...

Doors are for sucks. It's a proven fact.

Char said...

of course we need two towels....hair and body - and we have to sport that nifty turban effect while we get decent. seems like you would know that!!! but...yeah, that's one of my pet peeves too.

Kurt said...

There has to be more to it than that. I think you guys hide something in that terry cloth turban thing. I don't know what it might be ...I'm no doctor.

Apryl's Antics said...

We are hiding the temple of knowledge. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Kurt said...

I've been married. More like the temple of doom. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Am I right, fellas?!!

(*holds up hand for high five and then realizes he's alone probably because he says this type of thing*)

Anna Russell said...

The car chase from the Blues Brothers is one of the most awesome things ever commited to celluloid (or whatever they use).

Longer hair. Why do men not understand this? We need a towel for our hair as well as our bodies. Do you know what it's like to come out of the shower with long hair that is wet and drip-drip-dripping down your back with all the cold water when you're already shivery on account of having just stepped out of the shower? Not pleasant, I can tell you.

Still, she should hang them up. I know this because I don't, then get home and wish I had.

This made me laugh so hard.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

I've had long hair and the only consequence I remember is having to beat all the groupies away with a stick*. Nothing about towels.

*COMPLETELY made up.

Anna Russell said...

Yes, but if we leave our long wet hair toweless for too long, it goes (i can barely bring myself to say the word)... frizzy. That's right, frizzy. Please don't wish frizzy hair on us.

Kurt said...

I don't wish frizzy on anyone. Except bears. They'd look cuter that way.

Brandy Rose said...

Anna Russell!! Fancy finding you here. Its best you keep an ear open to her knowledge. It is a grand knowledge and of course because it coincides with mine. :D