"You are receiving this message because your work location is listed as 1-11-KM (Flr-Bldg-Plt) in KNAB.
(Flr-BldgPlt) : 1-11-KM
A bag of money was found in our mail room week 50 of last year. If you have lost it please let me know for we can return it to you. You will need to identify the bag and contents."
Someone lost a bag of money? Who was it? Some cartoon bankrobber? When I saw this message in my inbox this morning all I could picture was a huge burlap sack with a "$" on the front of it, dropped by some guy in a lone ranger mask, a black and white striped shirt, and black tights. And he would walk on his tip-toes and it would make that tinkling "dit-a-dit-a-dit" sound like Samantha's nose on "Bewitched".
It bewilders me that people would still keep money in bags. Haven't they heard? The economy is exploding. We're all doomed to fire and brimstone and social services and paying our rent with blood and eating feral dogs in the street. (It was just on CNN. Go ahead...Look it up.) Even our new President-Elect, who is totally MADE OUT OF HOPE can't stem the tide. Keeping money in bags might subvert the collapse of every bank ever, as it is being reported will happen like....tomorrow, but it is still volatile stuff and could blow up at any minute so you'd be better keeping it in an air tight container where it won't react with the REALLY GREAT DEPRESSION that's polluting our nation's air and will subsequently BLOW UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE!
I could totally describe it by the way, if I had to. I'd be all "It's a burlap sack with a "$" on the front and it's filled with money" and then I would hand them my fake ID and they'd be all "Oh! You're right! Here's your sack full of cash Mr. Hardbody!" and then I would snicker and they would ask why I was snickering, and then I would kick them in the junk and run away with the sack of money over my shoulder and a trail of hundred dollar bills fluttering out behind me.
It's like...the perfect crime.