Thursday, January 15, 2009

On Being a Fancy Gentleman

I've been thinking about violence a lot lately. What? Don't look at me like that. Not "violence unto others" per se, although that would totally be called for in some circumstances, especially when a particularly insensitive  senior manager tries to gain my sympathy for how very nervous and out-of-sorts everyone at the jobsite is due to the possible impending rash of layoffs, only moments after telling me that I , in fact, would not be struggling with these feelings because I was no longer employed. He deserved some violence. But I'm bigger than that. 


No. What I've been thinking about is violence that is gentlemanly. Like dueling. That was a good tradition. No one was ever humiliated by dueling. No one ever said "That pussy. He DIED after he was shot." More likely is, if you lose a duel AND you live, you are generally considered more badass than before. If you lose a pub brawl you end up looking stupid and people are all "Man, that chick totally cleaned your clock, Kurt."  and then you're all "Yeah, but she cheated because she had little fists and everyone knows those are harder to dodge and also that peg-leg was deceptively stable." I'm speaking rhetorically of course, but she totally WAS a bitch.*

And fisticuffs. How awesome was THAT? You get to stand there in a totally awkward and unguarded stance and just take turns punching each other in the face. That's like a good Saturday night most places below the Mason-Dixon line I'm told.** And by "told" I mean "I just made that up in my head" and for that matter I'm not sure where the Mason-Dixon line even is, and part of me thinks Virginia is involved, but now I can't remember which side of the Civil War they were on, except wasn't Richmond the capital of the Confederacy?*** Plus, you looked totally boss when you were in your face-punching pose. I think that makes my argument for me.

Look how cool this guy looks! Nice hat! Great Moustache! 

So, to wrap this up. Where the hell is Virginia and I would rather be shot and live, then beat up by a cheating peglegged hooker who doesn't take Canadian change from my car with coffee spilled on it despite the fact that up until recently Canadian money was worth more but isn't anymore and who knew hookers kept track of exchange rates in the first place? 

*Hattori Hanzo has just reminded me that I have never been in a fight in my whole life as I am not a proponent of violence of any sort and am a pacifist. Also, I'm totally weak and would get my ass handed to me, even by fictional hookers, so really non-violence is the right belief system for me.

**This is probably completely untrue but it's my blog so you have a choice, you can believe a ravishingly handsome, genius scalliwag or you can go on being uninformed. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

***The reader should notice my blatant disregard for fact (and spell!) checking and keep that in the back of their mind when reading this blog. All I really know about the Civil War was that I live in New York and we won. Go team. 


Brandy Rose said...

Fisticuffs, thats how all fights should be handled now and days. So much more respectable looking, and you should have to wear a 3 piece suit, and the fight should always end with a "Well done good fellow." said in a british accent and...I'll stop...

Kurt said...

And a monocle and a tophat. That would make it extra fancy.

Anna Russell said...

Fisticuffs are worth having just so you and everyone around you gets to say fisticuffs. Fisticuffs is an awesome word.

Vrigina is where my aunt and uncle live who I can't stand because they're really racist and even though they're both Scottish they've got citizenship now and went and voted for Bush which in a way is good because it means I'm not the biggest shame in our family. Hope that clears that up for you.

The Mason Dixie line is a place Johnny Cash sang a song about.

Anna xxx

Char said...

Oh please - Montgomery, Alabama was the capital of the confederacy. I know that since I lived there only most of my life. It's also the place where King preached and Rosa Parks refused to move to the back of the bus. Richmond is the place that got us addicted to tobacco.

the mason dixon line is what kept Maryland in the south (a thin claim to be sure) and Pennsylvania those guys that eat dutch pretzels.

Kurt said...

@ Anna Russell: Thank you for advising me on the proliferation of racist Scots in the South. I smell a sociology paper!!

ps: That totally clears it up.
pps: Still don't watch "Doomsday".

Kurt said...

@ Char: I'm so glad you cleared that up. We Northerns are just taught that we won because we are better, and the South is full of crazy hillbillies, so shut up already.

I know that isn't true, but it's AWFULLY fun to type.

That Baldy Fella said...

I have a strong urge to walk around saying, "Fisticuffs" a lot until it loses all meaning. But I'm English so we're allowed to do that. Pass me my top hat and monocle, would you, there's a good chap. Cheers, old stick.

Kurt said...

I feel all authentic now and you can't see it but I am totally smiling and nodding like I know what "old stick" means because it's probably fancy, but I don't.