Kurt: So I think this might be the opportunity I've been waiting for to really focus on my writing.
Darth Vader: Yeah. That sounds like a great idea. Better yet, instead of becoming a writer, why not try to be a magical pony that can leap Gumdrop Mountain in a single bound.
Kurt: That's not very helpful.
Darth Vader: Your MOM isn't very helpful!
It goes on like this for a while. But you get the drift. He pretty much sits on my head all the time and tells me I'm an idiot. He doesn't have the mechanical breathing noise of Darth Vader though, so maybe I should rename him. Han Solo? Verbal Kint? Hattori Hanzo? THAT'S IT!
Kurt: I've decided to call you 'Hattori Hanso".
Hattori Hanzo: After the famous samurai* or the sword maker from Kill Bill?
Kurt: The guy from Kill Bill. We both know I looked up the spelling of "Hattori Hanzo" and learned he was a real guy, so there's no use trying to play it off like we're all steeped in knowledge about feudal Japanese culture from the Sengoku Period.
Hattori Hanzo: But I don't even sound Japanese.
Kurt: That's rascist. What do you mean "sound Japanese"?
Hattori Hanzo: You know. Like Mr. Miyagi.
Kurt: No. You sound like me, not Mr. Miyagi.
Hattori Hanzo: So why not call me something Anglo-? Like "Dirk Fiddler" or "Charlie Bongwater".
Kurt: Because, as we both know, I secretly wish I was Japanese.
Hattori Hanzo: So what? I have to suffer?
Kurt: You're hardly "suffering".
Hattori Hanzo: Why do you secretly** wish you were Japanese.
Kurt: Because their culture is so cool. It's all "aaahhhh!" and "honor" and "megazord" all the time. Also, ninjas.
Hattori Hanzo: Good point. I forgot about the ninjas.
Kurt: You're not very representative of me or my wishful Japaneseness if you forgot about ninjas.
Hattori Hanzo: Sorry.
Kurt: That's okay. So... I think this is a pretty good reconstruction of what our conversations sound like.
Hattori Hanzo: Try to wrap it up with a zinger.
Kurt: Your MOM wraps it up with a zinger!
Hattori Hanzo: That's rascist.
* I didn't really think this. I just wrote it for plot exposition, for anyone reading who might not be familiar. Customer Service is job one when you're trying to be a
magical pony writer.
** This now qualifies as "the worst kept secret ever". And in my head Hatori Hanzo just said "Your MOM is the worst kept secret ever!" so you see what I have to deal with all the time? I deserve a medal.