Monday, January 12, 2009

Mondays With Hattori (Which Sounds like "Tuesday With Morrie" and is a Famous Book)

I've been debating with the voice in my head that maybe this whole layoff thing is a good idea because maybe it's about time I pick myself up and start doing something productive with my life instead of just collecting a paycheck. The voice then points out that I will definitely be released from THAT burden momentarily, and is being highly unhelpful so I've decided to rename him "Darth Vader". I figure it'll be good to have a name to go along with the voice as I will be spending a lot more time talking to him in the coming weeks. Here's how our conversations go:

Kurt: So I think this might be the opportunity I've been waiting for to really focus on my writing.
Darth Vader: Yeah. That sounds like a great idea. Better yet, instead of becoming a writer, why not try to be a magical pony that can leap Gumdrop Mountain in a single bound. 
Kurt: That's not very helpful.
Darth Vader: Your MOM isn't very helpful!

It goes on like this for a while. But you get the drift. He pretty much sits on my head all the time and tells me I'm an idiot. He doesn't have the mechanical breathing noise of Darth Vader though, so maybe I should rename him. Han Solo? Verbal Kint? Hattori Hanzo? THAT'S IT!

Kurt: I've decided to call you 'Hattori Hanso".
Hattori Hanzo: After the famous samurai* or the sword maker from Kill Bill?
Kurt: The guy from Kill Bill. We both know I looked up the spelling of "Hattori Hanzo" and learned he was a real guy, so there's no use trying to play it off like we're all steeped in knowledge about feudal Japanese culture from the Sengoku Period.
Hattori Hanzo: But I don't even sound Japanese.
Kurt: That's rascist. What do you mean "sound Japanese"?
Hattori Hanzo: You know. Like Mr. Miyagi.
Kurt: No. You sound like me, not Mr. Miyagi.
Hattori Hanzo: So why not call me something Anglo-? Like "Dirk Fiddler" or "Charlie Bongwater".
Kurt: Because, as we both know, I secretly wish I was Japanese.
Hattori Hanzo: So what? I have to suffer?
Kurt: You're hardly "suffering".
Hattori Hanzo: Why do you secretly** wish you were Japanese.
Kurt: Because their culture is so cool. It's all "aaahhhh!" and "honor" and "megazord" all the time. Also, ninjas.
Hattori Hanzo: Good point. I forgot about the ninjas.
Kurt: You're not very representative of me or my wishful Japaneseness if you forgot about ninjas.
Hattori Hanzo: Sorry.
Kurt: That's okay. So... I think this is a pretty good reconstruction of what our conversations sound like.
Hattori Hanzo:  Try to wrap it up with a zinger.
Kurt: Your MOM wraps it up with a zinger!
Hattori Hanzo: That's rascist.

The End.

* I didn't really think this. I just wrote it for plot exposition, for anyone reading who might not be familiar. Customer Service is job one when you're trying to be a magical pony writer.

** This now qualifies as "the worst kept secret ever". And in my head Hatori Hanzo just said "Your MOM is the worst kept secret ever!" so you see what I have to deal with all the time? I deserve a medal.


Anna Russell said...

I have a voice in my head that tells me to check out at least 10 random sites on the internet before I concentrate on my writing. I call it Wham because I listen to it way more than I'd care to admit to.

This is a good blog, I'm glad I found it.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

Hey Thanks Anna! Hattori Hanzo would say "Thanks" too but he's eating a Ho-Ho in the "wishful thinking" part of my brain at the moment.

Some Random Chick said...

Now that you'll be home, you have ample opportunity to come up with a myriad of "Your Mom" jokes. I think it's worth it.

Kurt said...

They do take time to compose, but I am willing to dedicate myself to that very task.

Brandy Rose said...

I have a similar voice in my head. I've even given him an image. He looks like the miniature version of the Jolly Green Giant. The sweet pea kid, I don't remember, anyway he lives in my head. And for some reason I continue to picture the inside of my head to look like the Keebler elf's tree, workshop whatever. So thats where the sweet pea kid lives, yep....I promise I was going somewhere with this....

Kurt said...

If you had a magical enclave of elves living in your skull producing huge volumes of cookies, I would vote for you in the next presidential election.

Brandy Rose said...

Ha, if I had that going for me, I could probably rule the World! Mwhaha.....if only.

Char said...

my inner voice is mainly known as snarky mcsnarkster. not that I gave that any thought at all apparently because it's so overdone and 90's. was easy to do and didn't require I tape up a box and pack it.

Kurt said...

@Char: You need to embrace your inner Samurai. Snark is way sharper than any katana.