Friday, January 23, 2009

Medical Updates from Pharaoh

It turns out all those cat antidepressants I was taking* were from 1995 and I'm not sure what I was doing to depress the cat in 1995 but I suspect it had something to do with listening to Bush and singing "I waffle my machine!" and "Got a mushy head! Better than the rest!" because I used to think that was terribly funny how they would mumble all the words to their songs. My point is, I don't know if the antidepressants are working. The bottle label is worn off and now I'm wondering if they were actually antidepressants or maybe generic Advil or the Pill or something.

Not that I feel depressed mind you. I don't think I could ever get sick of this terry-cloth bathrobe no matter how many times I get laughed at or kicked out of the grocery store. I mean... there are distinct advantages to unemployment. I am suddenly able to answer all my fan mail, for example. Granted, most of it I write myself and address to "Pharaoh" and when I open it I say out loud "Oooo! I wonder who THIS could be from?" and then look around the room to see if anyone has suddenly broken in to the apartment to just you know...observe me. And then I read it out loud and it goes like this:

My Handsome Pharaoh,
Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say that I really implunge all the work you've done to better humanity. Besides being delightful to look at, your kind generosity towards kittens and orphans is unrivaled. We also very much appreciate the roll you played in single-handedly turning the tide of the Hobo Wars. I know you already have 10 Nobel Prizes for Literature and Being a Genius, but we both know you deserve this. Enclosed please find 6 Purple Hearts.
Love Always,
The World.

ps: You should do the dishes today because the bacon fat has glued all the crockery together.
pps: Also, shower.



MEDICAL UPDATE: Those weren't cat antidepressants after all I don't think because I keep blacking out and when I wake up I'm naked in my neighbor's garage and there's crying in the background.

MEDICAL UPDATE UPDATE: Turns out they were Pez.



*See... "taking" is funny here because I "took" them as in "Take your pills, you crazy fucker!" and I also "took" them as in "Hey! Who stole my heart medication? Was it that new orderly who always wears a bathrobe and doesn't have a Staff ID? Call 9-1-1!"**

** Senior citizens are easy to trick!

4 comments:

Anna Russell said...

Dear Pharaoh,

Shower? I thought those were pheremones I was smelling.
Also, bathrobes are so in right now. I sense a GQ Man of the Year award coming your way.

Char said...

you know what would be extra fun and peppy? We could totally exchange smelly clothes - I will take the bathrobe and you can take the black sweat pants and shirt that I spilled soup on. It would be super cool and soooo rad. Then we can paint our fingernails.

Oh wait....sorry, the 4th cup of coffee kicked in and I spazzed.

Brandy Rose said...

Pez are addictive. Seek help immediately!

Lori said...

@Char, If you want to do those things with Kurt, you will have to "trick"(roofies in the Mountain Dew-shhhh work well, but be very ninja, because he only falls for that like 5 times a month)) him into it. Because even though he is a little messed up from the other expired pills he took that he found in the couch along with half a pop-tart SCORE!! he is NOT your girlfriend.
He does, however like to hear about your periods.
Just some helpful tips