Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Magic Goat Powers Unleashed!

It has become my duty as an international sex symbol to closely monitor the world news in case any uprisings need quelling or if Ikea in Canada is having a sale on furniture with funny names or something. So when this news item came across my desk I was shocked and then jealous and then sleepy, so I napped. BUT THEN, I decided to act!

A goat was arrested in Lagos, Nigeria because a group of vigilantes saw two men trying to steal a Mazda 323, and when the vigilantes tried to capture the would-be thieves, one ran away and the other one turned into a goat. So they arrested the goat. I would like to say here and now that magical goat ability is a crap superpower. It's not worse than that one Wonder Twin who could only turn into water* and had to be carried around in a bucket by the space monkey...but still. If I got to pick an animal to turn into it would be a T. Rex with a back-mounted rocket launcher... it would not be a goat.

Moonkee pointed out an interesting possibility though. What if it was a goat that could turn into a human? That makes a lot more sense. Because if I was a goat and I turned into a human suddenly I'd be all "Holy Shit! Thumbs!" and then I WOULD totally try to steal a car because I've been walking around my whole life and then I would go get a burrito because they taste much better then effing tin-effing-cans.** And how is a goat supposed to know that stealing cars is illegal? It's not like it can read or is subject to our obtuse moral codes. It's a goat. It's languishing in prison RIGHT NOW, because of a simple misunderstanding and there are probably human rights violations going on as it is being tortured and forced to talk about how it turned into a human. And I won't stand for this anymore!! I need help and if I can find them...then maybe I should hire... The A-Team! (*cue A-Team theme song*)

Or maybe it is something boring like a guy whose best plan for evading capture is to turn into a goat. That's a stupid plan by the way because goat is a food source in Nigeria. That would be like me robbing a bank and when the cops show up and shoot down my hovercar***, I turn into a delicious ham sandwich.

Moral of the story: Goats are cool but not as cool as dinosaurs with rocket launchers. Also, stay in school, kids... and stay off drugs or one day you'll end up falsely arresting an effing goat.

A link to the article is here.

*I'm pretending I don't know the Wonder Twins' names were Zan and Jayna and the space monkey was named Gleek, because knowing that stuff is for geeks and I think my presence on the internet has long disproved any geeky mythology about me.

**If I was a goat, I would swear in my head all the time. I'm no veterinarian but I think the facts speak for themselves.

***If I'm robbing a bank than you can bet your ass I'm doing it in a hovercar. End of discussion.


Char said...

the goat deserves it....they're evil, just look at the eyes as evidence.

Char said...

plus that whole "scapegoat" thing, it was a role he was born to play.

Kurt said...

Heh. I suppose he was. Well-played, Char... well-played.

Brandy Rose said...

Damnit Jim, there is NOTHING wrong with being a geek! But even I didn't know that...

Anna Russell said...

Devil eyes, they have damned (literally) devil eyes.

Scientist somewhere were making hybrid goat - spiders. I'm 99% sure I'm not making that up from a dream I had that I forgot wasn't real.

Anna xxx

Kurt said...

@Brandy: I have made a career out of being a geek, let's hope it never goes back to being uncool...those were dark days.

@Anna: Hahahaha! Those are the best kinds of dreams. I mean, the ones with mutant goat spiders.