Thursday, January 22, 2009

LOST Week 1: Stabbings

So the Department of Defense says I have to write "SPOILER" anyplace in this blog where I might rip apart the fabric of your very existence by telling you something you don't already know about LOST, or else they'll shoot me with bazookas filled with bees and poison or something, so look out for those:

SPOILER "LOST" is about people who crash their plane on a magical island filled with snow bears and evil fog and French women who are crazy and live in holes. They routinely get shot and die, but no one ever stays dead because they turn into ghosts or visions or something. Except Charlie, because he's SPOILER super-dead, but Hurley still sees him in the asylum after he leaves the magical island so maybe he's a ghost after all. The people spend all their time on the island running around. Either to places or from places or to rescue someone or to kill someone (even though SPOILER no one ever seems to die) or to kidnap someone or to go live in the trees or to blow something up. The point is, apart from dying the other thing you can't do on the island is relax or else the snow bears will get you. Or SPOILER the Others.

SPOILER I'm already tired of recapping.

So last night's show was SPOILER stabbier than usual and there were flaming arrows shot by British soldiers who also had rifles, so what sense does that make and then everyone ran around and now they aren't just lost in space* they are SPOILER lost in time and Kate is SPOILER lost in love. And there was a bitchy guy named Neil who totally took a flaming arrow in the chest because SPOILER that's what you get when you're a new character who complains so just shut up. And what kind of safe house is it that is filled with people trying to kill you or shoot you with darts? That's like opening a jar of delicious honey and having bees pour out of it. And I bet the producers thought "How can we stab someone in the back 4 times on network primetime?" and that's why SPOILER that bad guy fell on all those knives because that was really unnecessary and if I was in a fistfight for my life with guns and SPOILER frying pans and the dishwasher opened and the camera made a point of zooming in on all those knives pointing upward I would totally call a timeout. Also, who washes knives like that? Sayid needs to work on his home safety, in my opinion.

SPOILER I ran out of sour cream at about the halfway mark.

SPOILER So now I think Locke is a zombie and is jumping around all over time to stab people as needed and Jin is probably a zombie too. Plus Micheal. And I'm once again completely confused which is SPOILER the beauty of this show and when it was over and everyone was finally running around again, I felt a huge sigh of relief because even with the stabbings and the snow bears and the time jumping French Women living in holes it's still the best hour on TV bar none.

*Not the old TV show "Lost in Space" which also featured people running around a lot, but instead of beautiful survivors of an airplane crash and snow bears it had a SPOILER creepy, possible pedophile and the biggest robot in the world that could only wave his arms around a lot.


Anna Russell said...

I love how you can show a guy getting killed by being thrown backwards on to 4 huge knives that are pointing upwards, a guy getting set on fire and burning to death, but they cut of Sawyer when he said "son of a bitch". Because swearing would disturb people.

On a side note, a would never cut off Sawyer before he said anything, even though he's a Republican and Jack is slightly better looking (but Jack is just so damned whiney) and I'm very happy he spent most of the episode with his shirt off. Not that you care about such things, but it gave me happy.

Anna xxx

Moonkee said...

I am contractually obligated to contest your contention that this is the best hour on television. But you probably knew that. (Second best I will grant you.)

Kurt said...

@ Anna: I was going to say something about Sawyer and how he was running around shirtless the whole time because he's a manwhore and ABC knows what the hell they're doing but didn't because too many women think filthy=sexy.

@Moonkee: I duly note your dissension. That other hour is pretty frakkin' great.

Char said...

Sawyer. shirtless. I'm sorry...was there other action last night? Oh yeah. Jack shaved the beard.

Kurt said...

That Neil guy got a flaming arrow in the chest because he gave Sawyer a shirt to wear.

Those arrows actually came from the women in the audience.

Lori said...

Uh oh, BEEES!!!! Run Kurt, RUN like a screaming girl.

OK I know, bees are no joke.

Brandy Rose said...

I'm so glad I never got into that show...