Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Wasn't Even Going To Say Anything But They Went and Made Earrings

I really am like a folk hero. First ,there was the stuffed uterus that I ignored until they had a recall, and then it was Neuticles, the phony testicle implants for neutered pets so that they don't become sad and emasculated.  I saw them and yet I didn't even mention them. "Self." I said " You are a courageous hero, and there is no need to lower yourself to such an obvious and pedestrian level just to get a laugh. " And then I was all "Yeah... but they're TESTICLES! Only FAKE! And for Dogs!" and then  I was all "Too easy, Homes. Let's get one of the hundreds of Playboy models we have working for us to fuel up the jet so we can fly around the world solving mysteries instead*." And then I was all "Good Plan, but one says 'Homes' anymore." And then we argued the pros and cons of bringing "Homes" back, until we passed out from exhaustion or maybe it was alcohol poisoning.

But we never blogged about Neuticles.

And then the universe went and pulled a fast one on us. Here's how it went:

Kurt: I wonder what we can blog about today?
Hattori Hanzo: Well we can't do Yetis again. 
Kurt: I know. And I can't do another blog where it's just you and I talking because that is played out.**
Hattori Hanzo: I know.
Kurt: Hey, what's this email from Moonkee about?
Hattori Hanzo: Neuticles. You know. The fake pet testicular implants that insure your pet still feels like a man after having his real ones removed, even though they are dogs and cats and not men at all.
Kurt: Right. We shoulda blogged about that. Let's check it out.
(*follows link*)
Kurt: Oh my God. There's a hat.
Hattori Hanzo: Screw that. There's a BBQ Apron.

Kurt: Hahaha. Wait...what?
Hattori Hanzo: A BBQ Apron.
Kurt: For phony dog testicles.
Hattori Hanzo: Yep.
Kurt: That would go in your dog.
Hattori Hanzo: Yep.
Kurt: In your dog's ballsack.
Hattori Hanzo: Yep.
Kurt: Do they understand what the implication is  about what you might be grilling if you wear that?
Hattori Hanzo: I'm sure.
Kurt: Hmm...
Hattori Hanzo: There are also earrings. And a necklace.
Kurt: Out of the way. I need to blog. RIGHT. NOW.
Hattori Hanzo: I love that you love your work.

* I'm not saying this is true, just that it should be. I've put the notion before the UN and I am hoping to have consensus in early 2010.  And by "put the notion before the UN" I mean "made obscene gestures at CSPAN and waggled my eyebrows."

**This is what we call a self-referential statement. If you didn't laugh it's because there's something wrong with you and not because it wasn't funny.  A recent poll*** of 100 single people said I was a handsome devil. Not relevant to this argument per se, but you can't argue with science.

*** Okay the 100 people were all my Mom, except for one was my brother and I asked him "Do you like tacos?" instead of "Mom, am I handsome?"

Thanks also to Jenny who started the whole sordid chain of events that led to this blog. 
Some day the world will thank you.


Char said...

I would worry about you but then I would have to worry about me and issues like me going to the thrift store and carving hearts out of apples (and then eating them). It just gets to be too much like work and I've sworn off of that for a month or so until I move. *sigh* Yeah, even thinking about that may induce a nap.

Anna Russell said...

Bumper stickers, hoodies, hats, children's toys... there really is quite an untapped market here.

And the Neuticles themselves should only ever be used for the purposes of juggling practice.

Anna xxx

Brandy Rose said...

You and Hattori have such wonderful chemistry going that I would be disappointed if Hattori suddenly ceased to appear on your blog. Split personalities are always gonna be a hoot for me. :D

Kurt said...

@Char; Napping is the primary privilege of our being "under-employed". Use it.

@Anna Russell: I have purposefully refused to imagine how I might use them if any came into my possession.

@Brandy Rose: Hattori isn't going anywhere. I need a literary device to mask the Multiple Personality Disorder.