I'm trying to craft a clever letter to my employer that will properly convey my desire to not be unemployed. It's a fine line I'm walking here. If I make it too whiney then they'll be all "Pfft. Jackass thinks he's entitled to something." If I make it too desperate, they'll be all "Ha-ha-ha! Hey guys! Check this poor sap out!". If I make it too threatening, they'll be all "Call Security." So like I said... it's a fine line. Here's what I have so far:
Darling Fascist Bullyboys:
Hey! Remember that show about 20 years ago called "Manimal"? It was about a guy that could turn into different animals and he would travel around solving crimes and getting into adventures. It was really awful. I mean...it was even worse than it sounds, plus that name alone is grounds for summary execution at the hands of some TV studio exec. "Manimal"? Really? That's just awful. Anyway, my point is "Manimal" was canceled after just 8 episodes because it sucked so bad, and that came as a surprise to no one, especially my father who I remember saying about the show "This sucks balls." I don't want to be a "Manimal". That is why you should keep me on.
Unlike Jonathan Chase, the main character on the show, I am fully capable of completing all the required tasks you assign me without the supernatural ability to change into an animal. I mean... sure, I'd like to be able to do that. Don't get me wrong. Who wouldn't? When changing out the ECS unit, who wouldn't want to be able to transmogrify into a gorilla. Those things are heavy, especially when they are full of water and besides you're already hung over so who needs that hassle. Also, I wouldn't mind being able to turn into a water moccasin so that I could lie in wait in a dark corner and when Doug K. comes in to talk to me about his dog, or the moon, or how his leg is healing, I could bite him square on the foot, delivering 2 oz of deadly neurotoxin through my 2 inch fangs. That would shut him up. (I'm not saying I want any harm to befall Doug, I know for a fact that the local hospitals keep a supply of antivenin on hand for the water moccasin, because as you may be aware this area is home to the Mississauga Rattlesnake.) As you can see, I am full of many useful facts about snake bites. Are you sure you want to let me go?
In conclusion, you'd have to be an asshole to fire me. I know none of you are that, so don't be the first to become one. Keep me around for a while longer and you will find that the benefits of having me close by greatly outweigh the general feeling of apprehension that you will all feel knowing that I am out there...somewhere... disgruntled and trying desperately to turn into a poisonous snake. That' s not a threat. Unless you think it is.
ps: Fun Fact!-The studio executives that cancelled Manimal were dragged off into the woods by some unknown force and eaten alive.
I think this may need some touching up.