Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Happy Unicorn Day!

So it's finally here! The day when we get our new president who is totally MADE OUT OF HOPE and magic and he will use his fairy powers to turn back the tide of global warming by turning all terrorists into cockroaches and will end the War in Iraq using only his love of puppies, and who will totally stop our money from exploding like RIGHT NOW, and instead of writing this I should be getting dressed for my new job building bikinis out of Dinosaurs for naked supermodels*. BECAUSE HE'S THAT GOOD!

This is going to be the best day ever because after 8 long years of foreigners thinking we are war-mongering, hillbilly, hobo-mugging, terrorphiles with no brain except the one in our pants that we're afraid of, they can think we are enlightened genius superheroes. And they will forgive us for electing the last guy twice even though the first time TOTALLY didn't count because he cheated but the second time does and we re-elected a cheater so that was stupid, but luckily our fore-fathers were also made out of hope and set up term limits unless you have polio or live in New York City where they have a mayor-for-life. Now Bush and Cheney can go back to Texas and the Netherworld and resume shooting their friends in the face while the rest of the country explodes with the happy. And now I don't have to remember the names of silly foreign places like Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo which tickle my nose when I say them and can go back to thinking Water Boarding is just a goofy way of saying surfing.

Also, it should be noted that with this election we are also suddenly enlightened because Obama has DIVERSITY POWERS so our long-standing history of being hateful thugs towards the minorities is totally forgotten just like how no one feels bad about the Japanese internment camps because they make better cars than us now and that just goes to show us**.

He's going to fill the White House with puppy kisses and ethnic people and Hillary Clinton even though she lost so I bet all you Hillary Supporters who were all "I won't vote for Obama because he beat Hillary." feel pretty stupid right now, which is probably why he did it, but also because he is made out of Kitten paws and love.

ps: The killer and factual illustration from this blog comes from chrisbishop.com and you can order it as a t-shirt for just 17 bucks and you should totally go do that unless you hate black people. Here.

* I should also probably shower and get out of this bathrobe I've been wearing for the last six days and either eat this mixing bowl full of dry Golden Grahams I fell asleep in last night or put them back in the box.

** I should also also probably mention that I can't speak for actual...you know...Japanese people about the internment camps. They are probably still pissed. Even ninjas don't make up for some things.


Anna Russell said...

Beware, laughing forgeiner leaving a comment.

(or not leaving a proper comment because she's laughing too hard - and talking about herself in the third person for some weird reason).

Anna xxx

Fandango said...

Nicely run on.

Kurt said...

@ Anna Russell: See? Hope DOES tickle.

@Fandango: It's the volatile mix of hope, Red Bull and the 16 cat antidepressants I stole from the ex- that makes that happen.

Char said...

ahhhh, this is the land of confusion and these are the hands we given.

Now did you read the news today
They say the dangers gone away
But I can see the fires still alight
There burning into the night.

can we have some cool 80's puppets now too?

Kurt said...

Sure. You can have one where Phil Collins is dressed like a filthy pirate hooker.


Brandy Rose said...

Ah, reading this post made me giggle, kick my feet and clap my hands like a lil school girl! Yay!

Kurt said...

That's EXACTLY the reaction I was hoping for. It's also what happens to me when I find a Twizzler in the couch cushions.

Moonkee said...

My unicorn is currently out back munching on tree bark.

Lori said...

I started with ha. Which became hahahahaha.Then on to bwahahahahahahahaha.

I want a Prime Minister that's made out of hope and gives out Twizzlers instead of food stamps.

Also, I think I peed a little.

Lori said...

And Also candy floss. I forgot the candy floss.

Kurt said...

@Moonkee: That's what SHE said! (I don't know...)

@ Lori: Even if your Prime Minister was made out of Hope, he'd still be Canadian. And no one in the world understands how your government works. Even top scientists. True story.

Char said...

peter gabriel? you quote the guy who wrote the song that plays on the radio while john cusack stands outside?

besides...phil collins should only be allowed to drum, not sing.

Star Kicker said...

I thought only virgins can touch unicorns.

So, this means Obama is a virgin and if he has a baby....

Then maybe HE'S not the savior of us all after all.

Kurt said...

@ Char: We are in agreement about Phil Collins, if nothing else.

@ Star Kicker: I would totally vote for the unborn baby Obama-Messiah if he was able to make it to 35 years old as is required of a President. Jesus only made it to 33, if you recall.