Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Happy Unicorn Day!
So it's finally here! The day when we get our new president who is totally MADE OUT OF HOPE and magic and he will use his fairy powers to turn back the tide of global warming by turning all terrorists into cockroaches and will end the War in Iraq using only his love of puppies, and who will totally stop our money from exploding like RIGHT NOW, and instead of writing this I should be getting dressed for my new job building bikinis out of Dinosaurs for naked supermodels*. BECAUSE HE'S THAT GOOD!
This is going to be the best day ever because after 8 long years of foreigners thinking we are war-mongering, hillbilly, hobo-mugging, terrorphiles with no brain except the one in our pants that we're afraid of, they can think we are enlightened genius superheroes. And they will forgive us for electing the last guy twice even though the first time TOTALLY didn't count because he cheated but the second time does and we re-elected a cheater so that was stupid, but luckily our fore-fathers were also made out of hope and set up term limits unless you have polio or live in New York City where they have a mayor-for-life. Now Bush and Cheney can go back to Texas and the Netherworld and resume shooting their friends in the face while the rest of the country explodes with the happy. And now I don't have to remember the names of silly foreign places like Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo which tickle my nose when I say them and can go back to thinking Water Boarding is just a goofy way of saying surfing.
Also, it should be noted that with this election we are also suddenly enlightened because Obama has DIVERSITY POWERS so our long-standing history of being hateful thugs towards the minorities is totally forgotten just like how no one feels bad about the Japanese internment camps because they make better cars than us now and that just goes to show us**.
He's going to fill the White House with puppy kisses and ethnic people and Hillary Clinton even though she lost so I bet all you Hillary Supporters who were all "I won't vote for Obama because he beat Hillary." feel pretty stupid right now, which is probably why he did it, but also because he is made out of Kitten paws and love.
ps: The killer and factual illustration from this blog comes from chrisbishop.com and you can order it as a t-shirt for just 17 bucks and you should totally go do that unless you hate black people. Here.
* I should also probably shower and get out of this bathrobe I've been wearing for the last six days and either eat this mixing bowl full of dry Golden Grahams I fell asleep in last night or put them back in the box.
** I should also also probably mention that I can't speak for actual...you know...Japanese people about the internment camps. They are probably still pissed. Even ninjas don't make up for some things.