Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Becoming An Evil Genius:Part II - Proper Hiring Practices for Henchpersons

Now that all the SUPER HOPE POWERS have been activated, I can get back to writing the important stuff...

So, the trick with thugs is, you have to find ones that are not exactly stupid, but definitely not smart on account of you're going to be marching them off to their inevitable demise at some point, so it won't do to have any of them getting "lippy". Preferably your minions should look like fleshy tree stumps, in terms of build. They should have a rudimentary understanding of mechanics so that, in a pinch, if your giant killer doomsday robot goes on the fritz you've got someone to delegate its repair to. If they are physically repulsive it can work to your advantage for a few reasons. First, during the initial meeting with whatever super-hero you are encountering, a minion that looks like he or she was carved out of ugly is going to give you a psychological advantage. Second, if you are all out at a bar you will have an easier time picking up chicks (or dudes*) if you surround yourself with ugly people.

Now the thing you need to be mindful of is how you administer the benefit packages you supply for your henchpersons**. Most will not complain if your dental or medical coverage is less then ideal. Remember, you aren't looking to surround yourself with Einsteins... there's a reason YOU'RE the evil genius after all. Making sure your minions are sufficiently cattle-like will insure that later on no one starts to question why you aren't matching anything in the 401K. ALSO, avoid supplying life insurance if at all possible...or better yet make them designate YOU as their beneficiary. That's plenty evil.

Of course, all minions will have to have matching uniforms. Here you will find a little room to play with. Take this opportunity to show the inner creative yin that balances your world- destroying yang***. What you want to avoid is any kind of spandex pant or unitard, as it will lead to long afternoons trying to get their attention when all they want to do is look at each others junk. Trust me on this. There's nothing more disruptive to listening to evil monologues then a room full of barely-concealed wang or rampant camel-toe. Also, if you have female minions and you are a male (and you totally should because the Equal Opportunity Act applies to EVERYONE, Mister!) all the boobies will be infinitely distracting. Think about using cloaks and capes for them. Sure, they can get tangled in a fight, but what the hell... they're only henchmen.

Next Step: Not writing any more of these dumb blogs!!

* Hey. You know. If you're into dudes. Whatever.

** The term "henchpeople" is actual racist as it excludes any dinosaurs, leopards, sharks, or robots you might have working for you.

*** I totally said "world-destroying yang". (*snicker*)

PS: Hattori Hanzo: There's no way this is funny.
Kurt: I know, But it's weird to leave it unfinished.
Hattori Hanzo: Your mom is weird to leave unfinished.
Kurt: I'm not sure I know what that means.


Char said...

ok - check, I'm sure I could go to your mom's hometown and find plenty of these, right?

Brandy Rose said...

I want all my minions to be apes and monkeys. And they would all be naked cuz its just silly to dress them...but they would were hats...and scarves...and pearl necklaces...yeah...

Kurt said...

@ Char: You can check my mom's hometown for lots of things. (I'm not even sure what I'm saying...but if you take it to mean something dirty than that's probably right.

@Brandy Rose: You really should focus on the apes because monkeys lack the cognitive power necessary for a good minion. And you may want to put underpants on them at the very least. Makes the feces throwing harder. Trust me.