Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Treatise on Giant Robotic Insect Overlords

"Imagine a world unlike any you've ever seen! A world ruled by...giant robotic insects!!!"

The Boy and I both look up from our breakfast of Death Star Pie at the same time. He's sitting on the floor about 3 nanometers from the TV screen, while I sit hunkered over the coffee table on the couch trying desperately not to get pie filling on a) the couch, b) my clothes, or c) the rug. I stop with the fork halfway between my mouth and the plate. Did that commercial just say "giant robotic insects"?

Like I need a reason to think about giant robotic insects. My whole life has been a slow yet steady build to the point where either robots try to take over the world or zombies come to devour my flesh. It's just a matter of when. For whatever reason the television and film industrial complex throughout the late 70s, 80s, and 90s felt it necessary to constantly inundate me with images of people being enslaved by all manner of master races. From the Transformers to the Evil Dead to the Matrix... it's all been about how we humans need to be ever vigilant against the coming onslaught of something.

Aliens got a pretty bad rap too now that I think about it.

"See the giant mosquito as it sucks the blood of the living!"

On the screen there's a mildly erotic image of a mosquito proboscis penetrating a giant swatch of artificial flesh while a crowd of pie-eyed kindergartners look on in disgust. I realize my mouth is hanging open like I've just been pithed. The Boy is putting his hand up to the screen like Carol Ann in Poltergeist. Oh yeah...bring on the giant robotic insects.

"See two giant rhinoceres beetles in a fight to the death!!"

The Boy turns around "Dad! Can We?! Plleeeeese?!?!"
"Heck yeah!"
"If there were giant robotic insects trying to take over the world we would fight them, right?"
"Heck Yeah! What would we use to defeat them?"
"A freeze ray!"

He's all about the freeze rays lately. I don't know why this is. I mean they do offer the convenience of immobilizing a would-be attacker in a rather humiliating fashion...but eventually you have to deal with the mess of cleaning up a giant block of ice as it melts. I think it's the idea of getting to smash your enemies into a million frozen pieces that excites him. Anything that involves smashing usually does.

"A freeze ray would work excellently! We could totally take on an army of Giant Robot Insects if we had a freeze-ray!"

We go back to watching the commercial. A giant mechanical moth mouth is chewing something that looks, to me, like intestines. The voiceover swears it's a leaf. But I know better. My years of entertainment-based training have got my awareness set to DEFCON 1 when it comes to robots after all. Plus ninjas...I'm always on the lookout for those wily bastards.

The Girl comes downstairs. She sees us transfixed in our various stages of pie demolition, frozen by the images of the giant mecha-bugs.

"What are you guys doing?"
"Giant bug robots!!" The boy stammers. He waggles a finger at the screen, as if this explains everything.

I drop a huge dollop of cherry pie filling onto my pants as I turn to explain.

Curse you Giant Robot Insects! You've won THIS round!

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