Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Snow Bears Attack!

So it's all snowy and I'm driving into work and I'm listening to the classic rock station because the awesome station I normally listen to is in the throes of "New Wave Wednesday" which is fine, but the DJ of THAT show has a propensity for over-sharing which makes me lightly homicidal* and that isn't the sort of thing you want, karmically-speaking, in the car on a slushy Wednesday morning. So I listened to the stupid classic rock station instead and hoped they would play Led Zepplin and not Mott the Hoople or the Doobie Brothers or whatever. (I totally just spelled "slushie" and had to go back and correct it because I have the delicious frozen beverage on my mind nearly constantly lately.<--- Too much adverb. (*choke*))<---Too many parantheses! (*double choke*)

The DJs at the classic rock station in question are barking about the snow and the weather and generally being grumpy old people, which is what the market-segment for classic rock now demands I guess, and it occurs to me that if you live in goddamn New York state in November, it ought to be apparent to you that it's going to snow. It isn't like it's something new. Apple didn't just announce the release of it with some huge ad campaign that feels like it should be insulting to me in it's ham-fisted cleverness, but really I find incredibly appealing because the songs they use are just SO DAMNED CATCHY. shouldn't be a surprise or even a topic of conversation is my point. Unless you don't really know the person you are talking to and need to talk about the weather to fill the time. But then again, why are you even talking to people you don't know. Haven't you heard of "Stranger Danger"?

I just learned a hard lesson in that very thing today:

And then when I stopped laughing I wondered what kind of bear that was on the poster and tried to remember the proper etiquette for what to do when what I assume to be a Grizzly attacks you, because I randomly worry about the abundance of advice I've been given about that. It seems certain to me that if ever threatened by anything other than a panda, I am going to do the exact wrong thing and find myself disemboweled. Do I run? Do I climb a tree? Do I hit it on the nose? (or is that a shark?)

Basically, if a bear attacks me my defense is going to be:

a) Cry.
b) Try to give it a stomach ache as I'm being digested.

The End.

* "lightly homicidal" is when you concentrate REALLY hard on killing someone with your mind, even though you have never shown a inclination towards having such a power, on the off-chance that you have suddenly gained it.