Thursday, November 20, 2008

An Open Letter to My Helper

Dear Thoughtful Coworker,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for holding the door for me. I'm sure any thoughts I might have about you being a passive-aggressive asshat lie rooted firmly in my own psychological shortcomings and are in no way a reflection on your actual intentions. I bet those were pure as the driven snow.

I really did need that 100 meter jog across the vast atrium. I appreciate you recognizing my particularly high carb intake this morning and my latent (and probably destined to stay that way) desire for a little exercise. Especially carrying my laptop case and a box of paper. That made it extra challenging! I really can't thank you enough.

I know I was spouting "thank yous" at you like a Right Whale with a nasty chest cold, but that sneer and bob of the head was really a nice touch. You have more than effectively relayed to me how indebted I should feel, knowing full well that the 15 seconds you spent holding the door for me was a major, epic waste of your time. How on earth is all your internet gambling going to get done if you have to spend your days lazing about holding doors for people? Believe me...I know.

In conclusion, I just wanted to reiterate my thanks. Your breathy sigh down my neck as I passed really got across the audacity you were feeling and I'm sure when your Citizen of the Year award comes up, the committee will hardly fault you with a little understandable annoyance at those of us who seem bent on making you support the weight of a three pound door for a quarter minute. I also appreciate your understanding that opening a door involves the complicated process of pushing a button AND THEN pulling. This would have been way beyond my abilities.


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