Monday, November 17, 2008

Facial Hair, Caterpillars, Hunchbacks and Snipers.

I'm looking in the mirror trying to remember what it was exactly that article in Cosmo said about men and their facial hair. Was it that goatees are a sign of weakness perhaps? That men with moustaches are trying to hide something? I never understood if that was implying that the things they were hiding were actually IN the moustache or if they were just sinister. 

I personally hope for and believe "sinister". 

The idea of men walking around with all manner of things hidden on their faces makes me wincey.  I don't have anything hidden on my face. So maybe I'm just jealous. I suppose my eyebrows might be able to conceal something briefly. Like a cyanide capsule or something. But you'd have to paint it with eyebrow camoflage. I mean...upon close inspection someone is bound to see it. And what good is a cyanide pill painted to look like an eyebrow if it isn't actually...you know...IN the eyebrow itself.

This leads me to wonder about what eyebrow camoflage might look like.

I suspect if you saw anything just lying about beyond the confines of the actual eyebrow, painted to look like an eyebrow,  you would throw a cup over the top of it and slip a sheet of paper beneath it and take it outside and set it free.  Prisoners should do that. I bet the guards would fall for that at least once. 

Stupid guards. 

They'd be all "Holy shit! Look at that giant caterpillar!" and the prisoner would be all "(*snicker*)" and then the guards would wonder why the giant caterpillar just snickered and why was it in the cell block D and where was the prisoner to begin with and how the hell are they supposed to find a cup big enough to put over the top of the massive snickering bug, anyways? And maybe they would try to step on it. 

This may not be as good a plan as I had originally surmised.

I'm still looking in the mirror and thinking about facial hair when I hear the knock at the door. I mean...it's not a big bathroom... it's not like it would be hard to hear it or anything, and I don't live near an airport or inside a church bell tower, although that WOULD be totally cool because of the whole hunchback thing and the rafters would be awesome in the early morning sunlight and you'd be up all high and could see the whole of Paris while you peed and no one would be popping in on you unexpectedly because GODDAMN! it's a pain in the ass to get to your bathroom up there in the bell tower, unless you have a bunch of friends who are snipers and generally keep an eye out for that sort of thing.  I don't mean to imply only snipers and hunchbacks enjoy peeing in the belltower. Far from it. Bats and pigeons do it all the time...


"DADDD!!! I'm going to pee my payyy-annnttts! What are you doing in there?"

I bet Einstein never had these problems.

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