This Is Getting To Be Old Vagina

I don't know if  I've ever used this one, So although it

has little... nigh nothing to do with this post, here is a 

naked unicorn girl with some pals. You're welcome

So maybe when you think of me, you say to yourself "Mmm. I really gotta get me some of THAT!" and then you grind up on a tree or a bird feeder or a small kid or something and while that may not be inexplicable, it is probably illegal, especially the little kid part or if the birdbath is actually the Holy Water font at church and you should probably stop because no one likes an unwelcome grinder*. Except me.

My point is,It's not like I'm new to this. I've been walking around being this handsome pretty much my whole life and having people shit their pants over my awesome pectoral muscles or how quickly I can do a squat-thrust is old hat** by now. The thing I hate, is the constant way people are racist against me for looking this way. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm an ultra-masculine, handsome, genius. Tell me something I DON'T know, Poindexter. (*scrubs jelly off bottom of foot with cat*)

And maybe while you are spending your whole day thinking of me, you come across the notion that I must love my coffee black*** because how could anyone this virile NOT drink their coffee like a cheesy action hero in every dumb movie forever? It's easy to make that mistake. But the truth is I like my coffee full of all kinds of delicious shit like cream and sugar and chocolate and cinnamon and Quaaludes. So when I pull up to the local coffee drive-though and order a "Cafe Mocha" in my guttural yet sexy purr of a voice that totally makes panties pretty much disintegrate, it's perfectly natural to WANT to serve me the most bitter, vile shit you've had roasting on the burner since 1972. Like "THIS guy will not only drink it...He will LOVE it like it was the abandoned child he left on the doorstep of the orphanage 16 years ago, but now comes back and tells him she is his daughter and there is a tear-filled reunion and he totally apologizes both for giving her up, and also for copping a feel when she said 'hello, I'm...' " It's easy to make that mistake is my point. Not just about the coffee, but also if you walk up to me with breasts on, I'm totally gonna grab them. That's in the Constitution under The Right To Bare Chests or whatever.**** Also , I totally didn't know she was my daughter.

That's way uncool. Way.

No caption necessary, Bro.

Moral: Don't Serve me Shit Coffee.
Double Moral: My Abandoned Daughter is hot, because of course she is.
Triple Moral: Boobs are awesome.
Fourple Moral: I want a burrito.

*An "unwelcome grinder" could also be a sub where instead of meat, cheese, and the condiments of your choosing, you have like a chopped-up relative or sewage or the scrapings from the gutter of a slaughterhouse with used condoms on wheat bread. I think we can all agree THAT would be an "unwelcome grinder". Bonus Moral: Wheat bread is gross.

**This is a dumb phrase. "Old hat". Why does that mean "something you've gotten used to doing over time"? Are you trying to say you are a hat fucker? God, you are such a perv. I'm going to say that something is "Old Vagina" from now on when I mean "something I've gotten used to doing over time." Seems more fair and accurate.Ex: "Butchering semi-retarded posts with a thousand stupid footnotes has really become old vagina for me.


***I was going to make a "I like my coffee like I like my women" joke here, but all you super-racist a-holes would think I meant "black" and not "ground up and drunk from a travel mug". You guys disgust me.


****Did that sound shticky? I think it did a little. Me and my shticky breasts. (*slide trombone. Hook pulls me off stage left*)