Look how self-important I am! Like anyone in the goddamn universe would ever give a shit. Hey, I know your lives ground to a halt when I stopped writing so often, but hopefully by now you've found some other coping mechanism. According to top sources I just polled who are my cat, people have better things to do then worry about whether or not I'm going to write my fart-huffing stupidity on-line. And I was all "Oh yeah, cat? Like what." And then he looked at me and fell over, which is exactly the kind of trouble you run into when your main source for scientific discovery willingly cleans out its a-hole with its tongue. It's these kind of shenanigans that I cannot abide.
This is the kind of hard-hitting journalism you've been missing.
We are the 99%!
We are the 99%!
So where have I been? What are you, your mom? I've been skydiving with nymphomaniac billionaires that's what. I've been sailing around the world in my solid gold yacht powered by burning up poor people. I've been on grand pirate adventures that involve using safe-words and egregious amounts of cough syrup. Or maybe I've just been sitting around in my underwear trying to localize the origin of the particularly bad smells and then rolling my eyes like "oh duh!" when I realize it's me. Maybe I've been trying to perfect the perfect pillow fort and photoshopping cats. It's really hard to say sometimes what with the anti-psychotics I bought off eBay being so,so far outside of their expiration date. It's all kinda been a blur to be honest.
The best part was that last post I wrote where I was all "Get ready for a big surprise!!" and then promptly lost interest. I'm super-lazy!! Surprise!
So this is NOT a New Year's Resolution to write more because at this point I'm probably a borderline drama queen with all my "You Guys! Guess what?!" behavior. Any proclamation that starts out with "You guys!" is either going to be bullshit or over-wrought, not-self-aware earnestness gone horribly, horribly wrong. I love "You guys!" statements the way a frat boy loves an unbroken condom hanging out of a roofied sorority sister. Or your mom. But hey! You guys! It's not like SHE can get pregnant! Amiright? Up Top!
So yeah. Maybe I'll try to do this again. Or maybe I won't. Word on the street is I have a ton of free time now and very little money so "free and stupid" have become two of my favorite activities.If "free and stupid" were an ice cream flavor I would call it "Get the Fudge Outta Here!" or "Blueberry Nipple" because there aren't enough delicious treats named after boobs, in my considerably-less-than-humble opinion.
Okay, wrapping this up.The landlord is coming up the steps and if he hears me typing all that effort of parking my car up at the library will be for nothing. There's a chance I'll be back if I feel like it.
And seriously, you guys...leave some comments.
17 comments:
I just drew a picture last night of a you guys sentence. I will send it to you.
You don't have to write more, but Becky Steammeupkid told me that you can be hilarious when you really want to be.
And i laughed at even this short little post of yours, so I will have to go back and troll around your archive, which is not a euphemism for looking at your old posts.
You don't have to write more if you don't want to, Kurt, but I wish you would. If you don't, I'll just keep coming back to this post and re-reading it.
This post reeks of resolution and you know it.
Four months and that's the best photoshopped cat you can come up with? Like I said to your Mom last night, "call that a pussy"?
p.s. welcome back.
such a tease. yeesh.
Finally! More photoshopped cats please. I like to show them to my kids...
Way to battle with the voices inside your head about whether or not this is a writing resolution. I just hope you aren't like the fat people clogging up the club that are only gonna disappear again. Do it for Johnny. You are totally back.
I'll tell you my safe word if you tell me yours.
Oh what the hell, mine is Mugambwa.
Jesus CHRIST, you're hot.
@gweenbrick: This "short little post" is about as long as they'll ever get, Bub.
@Jen O.: You are so nice it's ridiculous.
@Mandy: Quiet, you. I was just thinking about how I've known you for 5 years the other day. We've both come a long way since 2006.
@rubbish: Cut me some slack, Jack. It takes a lot of concentration and dopamine for me to keep my lines straights.
@Silver: look at me not making a "your mom" joke. I've really matured emotionally in the last year. (*sniffs armpit. Steps in PBJ*)
@ChickyHip: Correct.
@WTWA: Sweep the leg!
@SklersDad: My safeword is "Oh Jesus! Stop! There's no way that'll fit!!" I chose it as a precaution.
I'm fairly certain that a solid gold yacht would not float, but hey! extra points for using alternative energy to power it!
I can't believe it's really you, back from the dead or Cancun or wherever you were.
I heard that you had died in a horrific stapler accident involving lots of paper clips and anal probes.
But since there were no cat pics attached to that rumor, I knew it was BS.
write more! The world needs more humor!
good to see you're still alive etc. More posts would make my dopamine levels go all silly but if you're too busy with your billionair nymphomaniacs i'll not understdand at all. The internet is way more fun.
Write more! I giggle a lot in between the throwing up in my mouth a little when I read your posts.
It's about damn time. Jesus.
Not like I actually cared or anything. Whatever. *sniff*
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