You Would Think I Would Be Smarter Than To Mention Periods on Valentine's Day. You Would Be Wrong Though.

Valentine's Day. I know, right? Bitches be trippin', yo! (*checks copyright date on Slang Dictionary*) Well, I'm not going to write about bitches bein' trippin' or whatever because according to my research, ladies don't like being referred to as "bitches" except for by that one friend they have who is too loud and pre-drunk before they go out dancing in a group or whatever. I don't know. The "bitches" rules are outside my understanding, just like the rules about how long you can stand next to the granola bin in the bulk food section picking out the raisins and putting them in your pocket . (Tip: It's less than 2 hours, apparently.)

Beautiful Treasure is my Valentine again this year and she is wonderful and not a bitch at all ever, even when magic lady-time comes and she wants to know who ate all the mother-effing oranges and I point out that I don't eat oranges and I don't even remember her buying any and then I ask if it's magic lady-time because I'm an idiot and then she's trying to poke out my eyes with an orange peeler. Whoopsie-doodle! Miscommunication alert!* Aren't relationships tricky?

And I am not one of those stupid guys who says feelings out loud about how Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday meant solely to extricate money from men to be applied lavishly to ladies who have come to believe they are all princesses because Hollywood told them so. I would never say anything like that or even think it, because the other side of that coin is the gift that ladies give to us back on Valentine's Day for not voicing those very stupid opinions. And I'm not saying that gift is absolutely blow-jays, but there is at least a 60% chance that gift is blow-jays and I'm not one to risk the odds. I believe in safe a Valentine's investment strategy, not flashy high-risk ones that might potentially forfeit any claim I might have to mouth-sex. Like blogging about it.

Shit.

But that's okay, because one thing Beautiful Treasure has is a great sense of humor, and two things she has are boobs, so we are pretty much the perfect couple for me, and all kidding aside, if you are lucky enough to find another person who can read your ridiculous, silly and exhausting prose on the Internet simply because they love you and you make them laugh, than you and I are both the luckiest fuckers on the planet and maybe it is a manufactured holiday, but taking the time to say "Thank you for not dumping me like you totally should have forever ago" is important, so why not do it today? I'm going to. I'm giving her a heart made entirely out of free raisins. It's all crafty and stupid and pathetic-looking like some kid with no fingers made it at Bible-school in 5 minutes and the teacher was too busy cleaning diarrhea off the wall to help him. I bet she'll love it. Because she knows I tried hard.

Bitches love that shit, yo son.

If you're going to be alone on Valentine's Day, this will cheer you up. It's a kitten in slow-motion with inspiring tribal music in the background. If this can't lift your spirits, nothing will and it totally makes sense that you are all alone, Gloomy Gus. I'm not judging.

*I want to just mention that this entire thing is a joke and BT has never assaulted me once ever, and is pretty much the most patient, loving and understanding person in the whole world who is reading this over my shoulder as I write it and making "Humph." noises when she gets to the untrue, funny story parts about crazy ladies and their periods.