Ringing in The Pew! Pew! Pew! Year

So I decided to take December off because I was crazy at work and I figured I would just make a New Year's resolution to write more, because if history has taught me anything it's that the human body is very hard to kill without the proper tools, but if history has taught me two things it's that the human body is very hard to kill without the proper tools, and I totally stick to my New Year's Resolutions like a mack motherfucker.* (see what I did there? Most people are all "I NEVER keep my New Year's Resolutions! LOL!1!!!!111 HAHAHAHAHHA!!! Check out this picture of my toddler! Boy does he make messes!!" but I said the opposite. = Cutting edge.)

And then I thought how cool it would be if instead of a New Year's RESOLUTION, I called it a New Year's REVOLUTION! And I could set off giant fireworks and watch as fighter jets flew really low to the ground and Bagpipes could play "Killing Me Softly" or whatever, and a BMX team could do radical flipkicks off a giant ramp, and The flag could flap in slow motion while a guitar wails and I would be pretty much the pinnacle of awesome**, except for that one time when your mom found an extra condom in the bottom of her slipper sock and just looked at me and shrugged and said "Why not?"

But so far my effort to keep my resolution, (which has become a word I'm already sick of typing because look how long it is, so instead from now on I'm just going to type the letter "R" with fireworks around it like this: *R*) has been completely thwarted by my decision to watch all 5 seasons of Battlestar Galactica right in a row since I have 4 days off from work and that's way cooler than like going out with friends or having sex with Beautiful Treasure if you think about it but not too hard, and from a very,very NON-introspective perspective. And maybe that makes me a dork...but MAYBE...just maybe it goes all the way around through being a dork and circles back to being super cool. I totally think it does. USA! USA! USA! WOLVERINES!!

So now I've written a post, and all the imaginary people who care about it will be happy and all the non-imaginary people who are reading it can go "Wait. What? You were gone?" and all the sexiest people can say "We missed you!!!" and all the smartest people will chuckle to themselves becaused they missed how sinfully witty I am, and all the people i owe money to will be all "Oh Kurt! We forgive you of your debts! you're just too funny to not be rich!" and all my real life friends will please stop calling various social service programs to check in on me, because like I said "I'm awesome." which is totally different then "locked in the bathroom for a week because the doorknob broke off and the window was iced up and I've had nothing to eat but towels and a bottle of expired estrogen pills I found in the back of the cupboard from the previous tenant."

My boobs, however....look awesome.

* Speaking for all mack motherfuckers, I'm not actually sure how being a mack motherfucker relates to keeping resolutions... but it just does. Like how instant macaroni and cheese never goes bad, but just becomes a psychotropic hallucinogen after 7 years. One of life's great mysteries!

** Instead of all that cool stuff, when I said "REVOLUTION!!" real loud, it just sorta echoed for 1 second in my empty cold apartment and then a blob of strawberry jelly fell of the cracker I was eating and landed on my sock, and I stood absolutely still for a moment as I tried to remember if I put the sock on 2 or 3 days ago and if it would still be safe to hoover the jelly up off my dirty sock. But totally still awesome in a different way.