The Best Joke Is At The End. So Tough Luck To You.

I think sleep is super-important and not just for people like me who get handsomer times infinity when they are well-rested, but also for the common folk because then they are better able to process how good I look and don't drop the ball in the compliment department. They need to be able to see past the bathrobe and the corduroy slippers that maybe aren't designed to be worn as shoes to the grocery store but if God didn't want me to wear them that way why would He make them be born with rubber soles? (souls? Wakka wakka wakka!! *slide whistle*)

I tried a grand experiment in sleep today and regardless of the outcome I think it's safe to say that I am practically a Doctor of Sleepology, by this point. I take naps the way other people walk up behind perfect strangers and whisper things like "Mama loves to lick the bacon!" so that the other person flips out and is all "What the Eff did you just say?" and then you're all "Do you know where is the bacon?" in a real whispery voice so it's more believable that that is your normal speaking voice and you totally weren't being creepy just then and despite the fact that "Do you know where is the bacon?" has horrible sentence structure. And then they are all shaky and say "Back by the meat department...I...I think." and then you whisper "Thank You. " and then walk away with big round eyes and a creepy smile. That's how I nap. The way other people do that. Really easy.

I can sleep almost anywhere, and for any length of time and I guess it's sort of a super power. I mean, if Plastic Man's "I can bend all over the fucking place" ability is a power than so is super-napping. And I totally put my skills to the test today , because I was super-bored at work and decided to take a walk and when my boss asked where I was going I said "On Wuk-about, Mate!" in an Australian accent because everyone knows that Australians are crazy and nobody wants to fuck with them, because maybe geographic exclusion led to the evolution of Marsupials, but I think...in the back of our minds...all people really suspect some Australian got liquored up and humped a regular bear and then POW! Koala. And just because you call a wild dog a "dingo" doesn't mean it's a different species. Australia is the Land of Lies. *

So I'm walking and my brain says "Hey Man! Let's take a nap but still keep walking!" and I was all "Pfft. Great Idea, Brain. That's sounds safe." and then my brain was all "Whatever, chickenshit. I'm just going to close one eye, okay? Let's see if you're man enough." And since I totally believe in challenges I tried closing first one eye and then I let the other get so nearly closed that everything in the big hallway I was in went blurry, but that's totally still awake, because I refused to be bullied by my brain. And then the fucker closed both eyes and I dreamed about Beautiful Treasure and I eating lunch at a Dairy Queen near my mother's house when I was growing up. And then I walked into a toolbox and fell down. But the point is, for a second there I was totally napping and walking at the same time, so I'm like the Miracle Worker, without that annoying kid running around and grunting at me all day. Sheesh Kid! Settle down!

* I know at least one Australian reads this blog, so I'd like to formally apologize for the vicious things I said up there about the Land Down Under. I'm sure if Australia was a friend of mine, they would be the one that was most fun to have at a bar with you, because as a continent it can fight well AND you can get it drunk enough to whip out it's wang in a convenience store and yell "This is a DICK up! HAHHAHAHAHAHA!" Australia is great.